


The Three Most Important Kisses of Remus Lupin's Life

by liveonthesun



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-10-15
Updated: 2007-10-15
Packaged: 2017-10-21 08:22:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/223066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liveonthesun/pseuds/liveonthesun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while." - The Princess Bride</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Three Most Important Kisses of Remus Lupin's Life

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to [](http://seagreenish.livejournal.com/profile)[**seagreenish**](http://seagreenish.livejournal.com/) for betaing!!

  
It is night, and they are lying out in a open field. Remus wonders why in the world he let Sirius convince him to do this. It is chilly and the ground is damp and they brought no blankets and are surely both going to wake up with terrible colds the next day and will be absolutely miserable for the rest of the week. He decides to tell Sirius this.

Sirius laughs and looks at him, smiling the warm, wonderful smile that makes use of every inch of his face and makes Remus feel like he’s the only thing in the world that matters at the moment. “Moony,” he says, “stop thinking about diseases and look at the sky. It’s so beautiful tonight, I don’t understand how colds can be more important!”

Remus sighs and looks back up at the sky. The moon is on its way to being full, and Remus can feel it already trying to tug at his bones—it will only be a few more days. Sirius is right, though, the sky is beautiful: it is deep and navy and cloudless and full of mystery. He stares into it and finds himself thinking not about the stars but about the boy next to him.

Remus has been in love with the boy for around a year now. Despite Sirius’s ability to get Remus into all sorts of trouble and cause him to have to serve more detentions than anyone should be capable of, Remus finds himself falling more in love with him every day. There’s something in Sirius’s laugh, his smile, his spontaneity and _fuck the consequences, let’s have fun_ attitude towards life that Remus finds beautiful and exciting. Unfortunately, he knows how very straight Sirius is.

“Do you ever think about what’s out there?” Sirius asks.

Remus quickly collects his thoughts and comes back to where he is lying on the ground, which is still quite chilly and damp. “I’m sorry, what?”

“Out there. In the sky. Well, maybe not what’s out there, but do you ever just think about it?”

Remus is a bit taken aback by this, because of all the things Sirius is very good at, thinking is not usually one of them. “Yes,” he answers, “quite often.”

“Who made it? Why is it there? Surely, something so wonderful couldn’t have been a mistake.”

“I don’t know, Sirius. I don’t think we’ll ever know.”

Much to Remus’s surprise, he feels Sirius take his hand and give it a small squeeze.

“In the great scope of things, do you think anything we do is really relevant? With everything else that’s out there, is the earth even relevant?”

Remus turns his head to look at Sirius. “It must be,” he says quietly, “why else would we be here?”

Sirius lets go of Remus’s hand to roll over onto his side and prop himself up on one elbow. For a few seconds, the two do nothing but simply look at each other. Then Sirius moves again, moves so his face is barely an inch away from Remus’s. “I don’t know,” he whispers, and Remus can feel his warm breath on his face. “I don’t know,” he whispers again.

And then he kisses Remus. And the kiss is long and slow and lovely, full of everything Remus has been longing for these past months.

“I don’t know,” Sirius whispers for a third time when he ends the kiss, “but I’m really glad we are.”

Remus smiles brilliantly before pulling Sirius to him for another kiss.

***

It is Halloween and Remus is already awake when Sirius rolls over, the light from the window on the other side of the room pouring over his face. Mornings like this were habitual for the first few years after they graduated, but it’s been weeks since one has begun this way. With the War and the Order and all the secrets, they haven’t had much time for each other. When they have been together, the conversations have been careful and strained, both trying hard not to accidentally say anything that is only for a select few to know.

Neither of them had anything to do the day before, and neither of them has anything to do today. It is a rare occasion that either of them has two days off, and even rarer that their days off coincide with each other. They both decide to take all the doubt and suspicion that’s been building up between them and do their best to ignore it. Last night was the first time in ages they had been in bed together doing something that was not exactly sleeping. They plan to stay at home today and simply be together, then go to James and Lily’s for a Halloween party in the evening. Remus missed Harry’s first birthday in July, so tonight they’re throwing a little party to make up for it.

Sirius’s eyes open slightly but he closes them as soon as the light hits them. “Ugh, Moony, what time is it?” he mumbles.

Remus laughs and answers, “Almost noon,” before placing a hand on the side of Sirius’s face and kissing him. Sirius isn’t a morning person, and in the earlier days when they were together every morning, Remus had often resorted to this method of waking him up—neither of them minded it that much. Sirius mumbles something else into Remus’s mouth. Remus thinks he said, _still too early_ , but decides to ignore him. He laces his fingers through Sirius’s hair and Sirius wraps his arm around Remus’s waist, pulling the other man as close to him as he can. They kiss for what feels like forever before Sirius pulls away. “Moony,” he says softly, running a hand over Remus’s ribs, “you’ve gotten so thin.”

Remus knows it’s true, and at this moment, he is overcome by the desperate need to tell Sirius everything he has gone through for the Order. He knows he can’t—telling anyone, even other members of the Order, information they’re not authorized to know is considered treachery—and so to keep from saying something he shouldn’t, he simply looks down and doesn’t say anything at all.

Sirius picks up on this and whispers, “I’m sorry,” as he runs his hand over Remus’s ribs again. Then he smiles and says, “I’m going to make you breakfast! Actually, lunch since it’s already noon, but you’re going to tell me what you want and I’m going to make it for you and you’re going to stay in this bed and read or listen to Beatles records or knit—do you knit? You should, it seems like something you would enjoy. Every other old lady around does it. Or just do whatever other Moony-ish thing you feel like doing until I come and tell you it’s ready.”

“I’m sorry to tell you,” Remus replies, “I’ve never had the desire to learn how to knit.”

“That’s very disappointing! It’s almost winter, and I was counting on you to make me some scarves! What do you want to eat?”

“I haven’t been in this house for almost a week, Sirius,” Remus sighs. “I’m not even sure what we have. Do we have sausages? I feel like sausages.”

“We should have some. And there are a few eggs in there, and a couple of slices of bread.”

“Sausage and eggs and toast it is, then.”

Sirius sits up, then leans over to give Remus a quick kiss on the lips followed by a quick kiss on the forehead before heading to the kitchen.

*

It is about an hour before they plan on heading to the Potters, and Remus is sitting on the couch reading a collection of T.S. Eliot’s poetry (right now he happens to be reading “The Hollow Men”) when Sirius walks into the room. As Sirius puts out his cigarette, Remus looks up at him and smiles to himself when he sees him wearing the same Rolling Stones t-shirt he had worn the day before. Sirius places a pillow in Remus’s lap and then lies across the couch with his head on it. “I’ve hated this summer,” he says.

Remus puts down his book, looks down at Sirius, and idly runs a hand through his hair. “I have, too.”

“I hate the War and the prophecy and whoever the bloody traitor is. I hate the lies and the secrets. I hate that no one fully trusts anyone anymore. I hate that I suspect you and you suspect me and we both know we suspect each other. I know we’re fighting for the common good and whatnot, but I hate having to go weeks without even hearing from you.” He sits up and cups Remus’s face in his hand, looking him square in the eye. “Remus, I can promise you it’s not me. And I promise you that when this is all over, things will go back to normal. I’ll never let even two days go by that you don’t hear from me, and I’ll never give you a reason not to trust me. And Remus,” he pauses for a moment, and when he speaks again his voice slower and lower than before, “I need to hear you say the same to me. I need to know everything will be all right.”

Remus opens his mouth to answer, but before he can say anything, an owl flies into the room. Remus reaches up to take the letter, but it dodges from him. Order business. Sirius takes the letter, and goes to read it somewhere Remus can’t see. When he is done, he looks up, all the color gone from his face.

“What’s the matter?” Remus asks, getting up to walk to him.

Sirius stands up quickly. “I have to go,” he says with an empty voice. “Don’t bother going to James and Lily’s later. Don’t even leave the flat.”

And with that, he leaves.

Remus spends the rest of the night in a state of terror. He doesn’t sleep, doesn’t eat, doesn’t read. He just sits and waits, listening to the clock tick tick tick, the eternity before him stretching longer and longer. It isn’t until three in the morning that Dumbledore shows up at the door. Though Remus is comforted to finally see someone, he is even more worried by the way Dumbledore looks. None of his natural joy and spark is there. Even though Remus knows the man is ancient, this is the first time he’s seen him look old and tired.

“Come in, Professor,” Remus says nervously. “I can make some tea if you’d like.”

“No, Remus, I’ll just have a seat, and I advise you take one as well. I have good news and bad news, but I’m not sure which outweighs which.”

Remus’s heart beats unsteadily as he sits down and waits for Dumbledore to start talking.

“Voldemort is gone,” he begins, and something about the way he says it lets Remus know this isn’t as good as it should be. “We don’t know where he is or if he died, we just know that he’s gone.” The professor takes a deep breath before continuing. “I am sorry to say he murdered the Potters before he disappeared. Harry managed to survive, and he’s being sent to live with Lily’s sister and her husband. Harry’s life is the strangest event. It seems Voldemort tried to cast the killing curse, but it backfired and hit him instead. Peter Pettigrew has also been murdered.”

He pauses and look at Remus, and Remus knows he is expecting some sort of reaction, but he finds that he can’t move or say anything. So Dumbledore continues. “I am also sorry to say that they are dead at the hands of Sirius Black. It appears that he was the double agent all along. We’ve caught him and are going to send him to Azkaban first thing in the morning. I know you two were close, and I will allow you to see him before he leaves if you wish.”

Remus manages to whisper a small _no_.

Dumbledore gets up to leave. “I must be off then, unless there’s something you need me for.”

Remus whispers another _no_.

“I’m sorry, Remus. I’m really very sorry. The loss of these great people will be felt by all.”

Remus walks him to the door and closes it behind him.

As soon as the door shuts, Remus comprehends what he has just been told. James and Lily and Peter and Harry and…Sirius. Sirius Sirius Sirius Sirius Sirius. His Sirius. The Sirius who had promised him only that afternoon that he could be trusted and this would all be over and everything would be okay.

But he couldn’t. And it’s not. And it won’t.

Remus feels his world collapsing around him and he is unable to bear the weight, so he collapses with it. He collapses against the wall and is soon sobbing.

***

Remus is standing in his room at Grimmauld Place looking out the window. There is no moon tonight—his favorite time of the month. As he looks out the window, the wonders if Sirius remembers. He finds himself thinking about this a lot, actually. There are days when he can hardly tell the difference between the Sirius he had and the Sirius he has. Other days, it’s hard to get Sirius to even say one word, and Remus can tell he’s back in Azkaban.

Quite often Sirius will ask him about the past, and Remus will tell him stories of four boys and their great adventures making mischief at Hogwarts. Sometimes, Remus only has to start the story, and Sirius will suddenly remember it with surprising accuracy, remembering details Remus has no recollection of. Other times Sirius remembers nothing about what Remus is telling him, and he focuses all his attention on what he is being told, laughing like one hearing a very funny joke for the first time, asking questions if he feels Remus is being too vague about something. Occasionally, Sirius will suddenly remember something on his own, and he’ll come to Remus happy and excited and tell him the whole story.

Remus never mentions their relationship, though. He wants Sirius to remember it on his own.

He is so lost in his thoughts that when there is a knock on his door, it makes him jump. “Come in,” he says.

The door opens and Sirius walks in. “Remus,” he asks, “have you ever been in love with anyone?”

Remus turns around to face Sirius, who is now standing right next to him. The silence hangs tangibly as he tries to figure out how to answer this question. Something in Sirius’s face tells Remus there’s a certain answer he’s wanting to hear, so he simply replies, “Yes. Oh god, yes.”

Sirius smiles, and it’s the old smile—the warm, wonderful smile that makes use of every inch of his face and makes Remus feel like he’s the only thing in the world that matters at the moment—the smile Remus hasn’t seen in years.

And then he kisses Remus. And the kiss is hard and desperate and hungry, trying to make up for fourteen years of lost time.

Remus smiles through the kiss when he realizes Sirius still tastes of dark chocolate with the faintest hint of nicotine.

***

Nymphadora Tonks is young. She is bright colors and life and laughter.

Remus Lupin is old. He is hurt and broken and so much older than any thirty-eight-year-old should be, for some of the broken off bits have left, and without them he can’t be correctly put back together.

He finds it astonishing that Tonks is in love with him.

He enjoys her company and finds her charming—endearing even—but cannot find it in himself to truly love her in the same way she loves him. He figures he probably would under normal circumstances, but right now, the circumstances are far from normal.

Nymphadora Tonks makes him happy. She has a beautiful smile which she makes use of often. Her laughter is always genuine and very contagious. Remus Lupin needs something in his life right now that will make him happy, and he finds that Nymphadora Tonks is that something.

So he asks her to marry him. She says yes.

During the day, his thoughts are full of her. During the night, his dreams are full of Sirius.

Most of them are wonderful. He dreams of the summers the spent at the Potters’ house, the Christmases they spent at Hogwarts, the first couple of years they lived together.

But some of the are nightmares. He dreams of Bellatrix and the veil, the night Peter betrayed the all, and he even dreams he is Sirius in Azkaban.

On the nights he has nightmares, he often wakes up yelling with his face buried in his pillow. Tonks will wrap her arms around him and hold him as he shakes, running her hands over his shoulders and back and kissing his forehead and whispering comfort into his ears. He is thankful for her willingness to love him even though she knows exactly why he wakes up like this.

***

Everything is foggy and Remus has no idea where he is. He remembers a brilliant flash of light followed by nothing and wonders if he could possibly be dead. The fog slowly clears and he realizes he must be, for there are James and Lily and Sirius and he can tell they’ve been waiting for him.

Remus stands where he is, not sure of what he is supposed to do in heaven—this must be heaven for it certainly isn’t hell. Hell wouldn’t give him his three best friends back. He stays where he is, and James, Lily, and Sirius make their way to him.

James hugs him and jokes that he’s taken enough time getting here.

Lily kisses him on the cheek and warmly welcomes him home.

Sirius pulls him as close as he can and holds him as tight as he can. After a few seconds, Remus takes Sirius’s face in his hands and kisses him. And the kiss is warm and deep and longing, full of promises and eternity.


End file.
